Starting the Conversation: Talking to a Loved One About Sobriety

I remember the way my mom used to beg me to stop drinking, not because she was trying to control me, but because she was genuinely scared for my life. It wasn’t a lecture or a threat. It was a soft, trembling voice that said, “I don’t want to lose you.” And still, I wasn’t ready to hear it. I’ll admit it, I’m definitely a “mama’s boy,” but even with her heartfelt pleas, I couldn’t say no to the sauce.

My mom’s love was louder than my addiction, even though I couldn't hear it at the time. Her voice, her concern, and her presence planted the seed for my sobriety.

Growing up, especially as I reached the age where I was responsible for myself, my mom would always say, "Take care of my Landon." For me, alcohol became the way I tried to take care of myself. It was a crutch I leaned on, even though I knew it wasn’t the kind of care she meant.

If you're reading this because someone you love is struggling with alcohol, I see you. It's terrifying to watch someone you care about slowly self-destruct, especially when you feel powerless to help. But starting the conversation around sobriety can plant a seed that grows later.

These conversations can be uncomfortable, but the most important thing to remember is to approach your loved one without judgement. Understanding and empathy go a long way. Photo by Alex Green

The thing is, there’s no “perfect” way to bring it up. My mom had tried everything: quiet concern, gentle questions, even the occasional tear-filled outburst. At the time, I brushed her off. I told myself she didn’t understand me, that I had it under control. But looking back, I heard every word. I just wasn’t ready to receive it until I hit my own wall.

If I could sit across from you and share what I’ve learned through both pain and hindsight about how to approach these conversations, this is what I’d say: It’s not about having the perfect script or fixing someone overnight. It’s about showing up, again and again, with honesty and heart. Even if they can’t receive it yet, your words might echo when they need it most.

One VERY important thing: avoid having these conversations while the person is actively drinking or under the influence. Alcohol clouds judgment, and what might be a heartfelt moment can easily turn defensive or painful. Wait for a moment of calm, when they’re more likely to hear your words.

Here’s what helped me, and what might help you too:

Lead with love, not fear.

Instead of “you need to stop drinking,” try “I’ve noticed you’re hurting, and I don’t want to see you go through this alone.” You don’t have to sugarcoat the truth, but grounding it in care makes it easier to hear.

Pick the right time.

Don’t wait for a blowup or a crisis. Choose a calm moment when you can speak without being drowned out by chaos or intoxication.

Offer support, not solutions.

You don’t need to play therapist or savior. Just being present, asking how you can help, or sharing resources (like a meeting, podcast, or article) can make a difference.

Respect their journey, even when it hurts.

Change doesn’t always come quickly, or at all. Set boundaries to protect your peace while leaving the door open for reconnection when they’re ready.

I know how helpless it can feel to watch someone circle the drain, what it’s like to cry alone after yet another failed attempt to talk sense into them, and I know what it’s like to get sober and finally see the heartbreak I left in my wake.

But I also know that the love and patience my mom showed me, even when I couldn't return it, played a monumental part in my recovery. It planted something in me that I didn’t recognize until I was finally ready to water it.

You can be that support for someone. Just don’t forget to be that for yourself, too. Keep in mind that the person struggling with alcohol has to choose sobriety for themselves. The only way to stop digging a hole is to consciously put the shovel down.

You don’t have to have all the answers to be a safe place. Sometimes just showing up, holding space, and saying ‘I’m here’ is enough. Supporting someone through sobriety starts with love, not perfection. Photo by Min An

Resources to Support You and Your Loved One:

• Al-Anon Family Groups: Support for friends and families of problem drinkers.

• SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357): Free, confidential, 24/7 treatment referral and information.

• The Temper: A digital publication exploring life through the lens of sobriety, addiction, and recovery.

• SMART Recovery: A science-based recovery support group for people dealing with any form of addiction.

• Podcasts like The Bubble Hour or Sober Powered for stories and insights into recovery and sobriety.

  
  

If you're feeling overwhelmed, know that you're not alone and neither is your loved one. Your voice, your care, and your boundaries all matter. Keep showing up, with compassion and with grace.